Mindhunters and Midnight Calls

For my first on-call weekend, I was co-pilot to one of the associates and assistants. Around 11:30pm, as we were wrapping up our 4th emergency of the day, we got an ER call for a horse in respiratory distress. The first address we arrived at was in the middle of a suburban neighborhood, obviously the wrong address. We idled in the couldesac while the associate, Dr. Kepper, struggled to get the correct address. It seemed no one on the phone knew the address for the residence, althought they confirmed the horse was in fact at their residence.

After 25 minutes of wrong turns, u-turns, and sleuthing via google maps, we made it to the right road. We drove quickly down the paved road, passing occasional looming, dimly lit mansions. When the driveway ended, we parked in front of a run-down expansive ranch home. None of us got out at first. We just watched the events unfold infront of us. Our arrival sparked some confusion amongst the obviously enebriated residents. Enebriation, not uncommon for late night calls, usually owners who opened a bottle or two of wine before discovering their horse had a laceration or bit of colic. But it didn’t take long observing this group of random strangers, that enbriation was a little too soft a word. Their movements were, for lack of a better word, tweaky. Their speech was incoherient, thoughts scrambled. I wondered how they had managed to call us, let alone find our practice online.

I am going to preface the remainder of the story with this small tidbit: Earlier today, I had binge-watched the second half of Netflix’s season one of Mindhunters.

One man, in his mid 40s, approached us. To access the back pasture, they had to move a truck which blocked the driveway around the back of the house. We did not think much, until a scrawny young man and man in his mid 70s came wandering through the overgrown hedges of the front lawn. From somewhere in these hedges, they produced jumper cables.

Dr. Kepper wasn’t about to wait for these shenanigans. “We’ll just walk. How far is the horse?”

The central area of the house was mostly windows with a large atrium garden. With every light on inside you could see the entire layout of the home. Dark is dark, I’ll admit. But it wasn’t until I got outside that I realized just how dark the night was. No moon, no stars, just darkness above and around. I grabbed the headlamp and Dr. Kepper carried her laptop as a makeshift light source. The guy lead us around the side of the house, wading into darkness and unknown terrain. In the light of my headlamp, I saw he had his shoes on the wrong feet, the last half of the shoelace strands worn off. He wore one dirty sock. I glanced inside the house in time to see a figure of a woman sitting on the floor rocking back and forth anxiously.

Uneven steps led down the side of the house past windows of the daylight basement. One of the windows in the basement had black, metal bars on the inside of the glass. The room was empty, but I could see a jail-style door on the opposite wall. On the other side of the rod-iron door was a normal door. No one else seemed to notice the homemade “cage.”

This was the point at which Mindhunters triggered my rampant imagination. We continued in silence down behind the house, through the middle of a pasture of unknown proportion. The only noise was the sound of us slushing through damp, tall grass. After several minutes, an old barn loomed ahead in the glow of my headlamp. Dr. Kepper marched on, following a couple yards behind the man. The barn had two big doors, but the first thing I noticed were the many, many locks and bolts and chains on the outside. It as not necessary to count the number of bolts, padlocks and chains to know that it was excessive and albeit, alarming.

The man was heading straight for the barn, Dr. Kepper striding behind. The assistant shot me a “this is #$%@ing sketch look.” I mouthed back “I will not go in there.”

Just as we thought he was going to start unlatching, unlocking the doors, he turned and lead us beyond beyond broken fencing into another expansive field. If possible, this field felt even darker than the first. I couldn’t see the house behind us anymore and I kept looking over my shoulder to see if anyone was following us.

This was when I began to wonder if there even was a sick horse here.

I kept checking behind us as I followed Dr. Kepper’s laptop glow. Just as I was going to ask how much further to the horse, a shadowy figure came into view. I feel kind of ashamed to admit it, but it was a wave of relief that washed over me the moment I saw the down horse. Then that relief vanished, and we all launched into emergency care mode.

The mare, down and unresponsive, had labored breathing, no CRT, a heart rate of 80 and weak peripheral pulse. She was matted, sticky with sweat that had cooled, and her muscles were rigid. It was very apparent she had been suffering for some time. Her body was covered in wounds, the ground around her torn up from her thrashing around. After discussing prognosis and options, the owner elected for euthanasia. Although a sad ending, the ability to bring an end to her drawn out suffering was the most compassionate thing we could do. While the owner disappeared into the darkness, we sat with the mare for a few moments before confirming she had passed.

Silently, under the glow of the dying headlamp and Dr. Keppler’s laptop, we navigated our way back to the truck. After loading up, no one said a word until we had some distance.

“I know no one attacked us or threatened us, but I just have the feeling that we narrowly escaped with our lives.” I said, and a some laughter lightened the heavy mood in the truck…right before Dr. Kepper’ phone rang with the next late night emergency.


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Logistics behind Ambulatory Work

Occasionally, we have ride-alongs or people doing job shadows, usually students ranging from high school to vet school. For those considering a career in veterinary medicine or future ambulatory vets, it is an interactive, uncensored day-in-the-life experience. The types of questions I did not really expect to get were regarding commuting and driving. The questions I get asked most often include:

  • How big of an area do you serve? What are the logistics behind scheduling appointments? Who determines the route? How do you know how much to charge for a farm call?
  • How much time do you spend in the car on average per day? What is the longest you’ve ever driven to one place? What do you do in the car all day?
  • Does getting car sick mean you can’t be an ambulatory vet?
  • Does the truck ever break down? Have you ever gotten in an accident with the work truck?

I’ve received these questions often enough that I decided to write a couple posts about this side of the profession from my personal experience.


The Realm

Our service area (which I refer to as the realm) is vast, one of the largest I’ve seen. From where our office is located, we service up to an hour and a half in every direction…meaning our call radius is 1.5 hours, not factoring in traffic. The realm ends up being a large part of the western side of our state. While the majority of our work is North, an emergency an hour South of our office could mean a 2.5 hour drive from one end of our range to the other. Most practices I’ve spent time with service a 40 minute radius around their hub.

As for navigating the realm? I have to give a shout out to navigation apps. All of this would be a lot more difficult without today’s smart phones, GPS etc. I consider myself very fortunate to practice in a time when this technology is easily available. Not afraid to admit that I cannot imagine the farm call experience before Google maps existed. For the vast majority of our navigation, we use Google maps and Waze, which do a great job 95% of the time.


Scheduling

Luckily, our front office staff are all locals with an excellent knowledge of the cities/towns and road system. Equally important is knowledge about traffic. The commute to a particular barn in the morning could be well over an hour, while the same route could take 30 minutes if its around lunch time.

Efficiency requires concise, well-planned routes, the front desk carries the heavy burden of scheduling. And they are phenomenal at avoiding the big scheduling mistakes, which off the time of my head are:

  • Return trips (same barn more than once in a day)
  • Same stops (different doctors to the same barn in a day)
  • To-and-fro (alternating near and far locations like North  South  North  South …vs. starting north and working south throughout the day)
  • Localizing (keeping all farms in a particular direction, vs having calls at complete opposite ends of the service radius)

I have full respect and appreciation for the skills of the front desk staff, because I dabbled in scheduling at my previous job and found it to be a pain-staking, hair-pulling mess.


The Financial Side

Minimizing drive time is essential, as our farm call fees (ranging from $80-140) over times barely cover the overhead and wages one way…not to mention if the next call is equally far at the other end of our range. Often times, the company actually loses money as the basic, rough example below shows:

Farm call 40 miles from office, 1 hour drive time

  • Farm call fee charged to client: $100
  • Gas: $10
  • Vehicle wear and tear, mileage, licensing, insurance: $25
  • Assistant’s time (company cost): $25
  • Doctor’s time (company cost): $60
  • Total cost to company for farm call (one direction): $120

Not a precise or perfect example, but easy to see why scheduling and routes are so important. And after all the effort is made into tactfully planning an efficient day, there comes an emergency call that changes it all…and even if the call is at the other side of the realm, traveling in peak traffic hours, those facts don’t register because the focus shifts to getting there safely and as soon as possible, so that we can do what we joined this profession to do- care for our equine patients and the clients attached to them.

the Vet’s Assistant

The idea of having a vet assistant in the field was obscene to my first employer. She viewed them as an unnecessary (and even impossible) expense and liability for any solo practitioner. Whether it’s for the similar reasons, most vets in the area do not have assistants. I remember reading an AAEP article back in vet school, which discussed a multitude of reasons and scenarios in which it does pay off for a solo practitioner to hire a field assistant. I remember reading the article, never having seen an equine vet with an assistant, and thinking what a luxury it would be.

Then I hit that job lottery, the place I work now. It’s not that assistants are merely an option, but that taking assistants in encouraged…and there is the obvious list of reasons. There is also the not-so-obvious list of benefits and rewards that come with having a comrade out in the field.


Teamwork Makes the Dream Work

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DVM 360 has a recent article about this very topic, called Equine vet techs deserve a seat.

Our assistants are wonderful, and with individualized training, their potential is endless. The basic responsibilities in our practice include managing daily truck inventory and restocking, manage truck maintenance/repairs/cleaning, cleaning/maintenance/trouble shooting of all equipment (xrays, ultrasound, endoscope, dental equipment etc), cleaning/organizing/packing up for all appointments, horse handling (some vaccinate and draw blood), processing in-house lab work, uploading all digital imaging/lab results, help manage schedule, driving (allowing plenty o time to SOAP and invoice for the doctor) and so forth. With the help of the assistant, I can do 3 dentals in the time it took me to do one alone. I easily see three times the number of appointments in a day with how our team works.


Unsung Heroes in the Field

But aside from the logistics, there’s the other advantages…company. It’s a lot of hours in a truck most days (2-3 hours of driving usually, sometimes up to 6 for a day with ERs and appointments). You can’t put a dollar amount on good company, especially on long exhausting or stressful days, where you have someone who was with you for every moment of it. It’s both a professional and a personal bond. Comic relief, podcast discussions, small talk, singing along with the radio, reviewing cases we saw that day, an ear to listen, or even just the feeling that you’re not alone taking on the world of equine medicine. Not to mention the safety…unfortunately, not all owners are as skilled at handling their horses as we would hope. There has been many a time (and more often than not) that the situation becomes significantly safer by having the assistant handle the horse with special restrain techniques, or even just positioning for exams/flexions/nerve blocks. I remember coming back from an ER at 3AM, after a full day of work, and rolling down the windows singing at the top of my lungs trying to stay awake on a windy back-country road….I came close to falling asleep at the wheel multiple times, and am very thankful I haven’t had to do that again.

And for everything they do, the things doctors expect, appreciate and need….there is an endless list of all the unseen, unmentioned ways that they support us on a daily basis. Being a veterinarian, you face challenging, humbling, heartbreaking and gut wrenching experiences…and experience equally rewarding, uplifting and inspiring moments. It’s those rewarding experiences that give me the feeling of happiness…and the only thing that makes that happiness even greater, is when it’s shared with a teammate.


Thank you to all the veterinary assistants and technicians who remain unsung heroes in the veterinary field. Whether you’re in the exam room, surgery suite or field, the wonderful aspects of vetmed would not be nearly as wonderful (or even possible) without you!

Facing the Repercussions

To really understand this post in context, you’ll need to understand the backstory. If you haven’t already read the predecessor to this entry, I highly recommend it.

In order to make an employee’s last two weeks a “living hell,” Dr. Cray gave the office staff and myself her decree to engage in work-place warfare. My last post left off at a pivotal moment. I accepted the reality of the work-place situation and the brutal truth about my boss’s nature. Then, I did the thing I should have done months ago. I spoke up. I refuse to make someone’s life a living hell. And from that point on, the work-place is becoming my living a hell.


My Redefined Role and Responsibilities

Everything but a Veterinarian

Unable to hire new employees, the office was severely understaffed. Now, instead of seeing appointments in the afternoons, I was assigned to the front desk as a receptionist. This is when I began to struggle, both personally and professionally. And the troubles didn’t stay at work. With only two other employees, Dr. Cray’s started singling me out. She became uncharacteristically kind to the other two office personell, bringing them gifts each morning and asking about their weekend. When she turned to face me, she snap at me to go clean her instrument tray from the ER last night or go count the vaccines in her truck. Everything became a test or barrage of rapid-firing questions (to which some of the questions were about patients I never saw, prescriptions I was never involved in, or billing accounts that were from 5 years ago). She seemed content if I did not know an answer, and became vicious when I did. She took to devaluing me in front of clients and other employees.

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Within a couple weeks, she allowed me to see appointments only 1 day a week. When clients requested appointments with me, she told the office to tell them I wasn’t available…little by little, I watched the only benefit to my job dissipate. Veterinary experience, the only thing worth staying for, was slowly replaced by my new duties which included:

  • Restocking supplies, tracking orders,
  • Create and maintain inventory system
  • Truck inventory, maintenance
  • Manage all social media accounts
  • IT for all office equipment (phones, computer, scanners, fax, internet)
  • Invoicing
  • Equipment maintenance
  • Barn tasks (feeding, stall cleaning, turn-out)
  • Yard upkeep

Veterinarian turned Receptionist turned Detective

All those hours I put in at the front desk paid off. In an attempt to fully analyze the situation, and come up with a plan…I started gathering intel. When the UPS guy saw me up front, he said he wouldn’t bother learning anyone’s name because no one sticks around long enough for it to be worthwhile. Thanks to the UPS guy, I started looking for more information about the previous associates. I remembered she didn’t order me business cards for the first 2 months in case I was going to quit. She said she’d spent too much money on wasted cards. After looking into the business card order history, what I found was startling.

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Over the past 10 years, 9 associates were hired, and of the nine associates not a single one worked for Dr. Cray longer than a month. No surprise there! I also had mixed emotions about what this said about me. Obviously someone with a healthy amount of self respect would not put up with or stay in this type of environment. I don’t like to quit, and I will endure, endure, endure. Although I gave myself credit for getting through the last four months, I also had to change my way of thinking. I’m not here to endure. My goal and aspirations are not to endure life, endure each day. What is the sense in being in the profession I love, if every day I dread and resent going to work? I suffer, my relationships suffer, and it doesn’t do the profession any good.


If someone doesn’t know whats wrong, how can they fix it? I’m a believer in that concept, and I had been silent for too long. If we were going to make this work, we were going to have to make some changes. It was time to sit down and have a chat with Dr. Cray. I worked the meeting into our schedules, and gave her a heads up that there were some items I wanted to discuss with her.

And in 2 days, that’s exactly what we’ll do.

#veterinarian #vet #vetmed #vetlife #equine #horse #equinevet #ambulatory #mobilevet #veterinarypractice #dayinthelife #doctor #profession #equineveterinarian

The Work-Place Honeymoon Stage …is Over

Unlike my usual posts, this one isn’t about a particular case, patient or exclusive veterinary experience. This post falls under the venting category and serves two important purposes.

  1. Venting (everyone needs an outlet)
  2. Documentation of events (just in case)

There have been concerning changes at my work-place over the last couple months, and largely have to do with my boss/practice owner, who I’ll refer to as Dr. Cray. These changes and the current conditions at work are certainly not unique to the veterinary field. Unfortunately, I know situations like these can plague any professional field and work-place. I also know there are far worse working conditions and nightmare bosses out there than what I’ve experienced.

So, if you already know that there is nothing I can say to make it worth your time to read the following gripes, complaints, emotion portrayals and speculations, then I recommend passing on this one. Otherwise, I’m an open venue to opinions, thoughts, shared experiences…please feel free to comment or message me.


When the work-place honeymoon stage is over…

During my interview back in January, Dr. Cray made a great first impression. Out-going, charismatic, enthusiastic, charming and equipped with a great sense of humor. Afterr 20 years working as an ambulatory vet, she still appeared to be very much in love with her job. After the working interview, I remember thinking ‘Wow, I hope someday my clients like me that much.’ The admiration, appreciation and respect that clients had for her was irrefuteable. Some ever professed how much they adored her during the appointments. She was friendly and kind to me, and told me she had been waiting a avery long time to have an associate. She mentioned in passing that the last two associates she hired quit within the first month. Hindsight: Red Flag #1.

Within a month of starting work, I began seeing appointments and we split emergency on call 50/50. She was an endless source of support, encouragement, advice and constantly reassured me that she would never ‘throw me to the wolves.’ The first 6 weeks were the golden weeks, when we could do no wrong, talked endlessly about cases, life, experiences, teamed-up on on a in-patient laceration and fed off of each other’s enthusiasm. Every morning, I was excited to go to work and was oblivious that unbeknownst to me, this Honeymoon Stage would be wrapping up shortly.

During the internship, I was the “ER magnet.” Meaning, if I was on call, everyone could expect at least one emergency. This carried over to my new job once I started taking on-call. My first weekend was jam-packed with ERs, and I had back-to-back overnight ERs. The ERs came in waves, spilling into the weekdays. With at least 3 ER calls a day and a schedule entired booked with apppointments, we had to divide and conquer. At the end of the week, she said “Thank goodness you are here. I would not have been able to it without you.” That is the last kind thing I remember her saying to me.

Around week 8, I started to notice passive aggressive remarks directed at me. I gave them no mind, since you never know what people are going through outside of work. I remained pleasant, out-going and supportive. Then I became acutely aware that while I received microaggression, the rest of her employees faced direct aggression. I remember thinking that her way of dealing with stress, by treating others like pin-cushions, was both unprofessional and unkind. She would usually target one person on any given day, or sometimes for weeks at a time. They received relentless redicule, demeaning comments, interrogation and agregious amounts of blame- for anything and everything. Sometimes people were targeted after making a mistake, sometimes it appeared to be random.

I was not quick to realize that her passive aggressive comments towards me were replaced by the cold shoulder technique. This cold shoulder, silent treatment and general indifference to my presence lasted a couple weeks. This was the calm-before-the-storm stage, and the air was constantly charged with tension. In the office, you could feel and see the tension enter the room with her. As just as it arrived, she took it with her when she left. I noticed employees sigh quietly with relief after she would leave for the day. It was until she left that I realized we were all holding our breaths, and figuratively navigating the egg-shell laden office.

At this point, I still chalked everything up to “she must be going through something, and like everything, this will pass.” Probably because I was trying to create the reality I wanted by altering my perspective. To employees who had been around for awhile, all of this was nothing new. Employees either silently accepted this as the way things are, or they quit. This lead to constantly revolving door of employees. Red Flag #2.


the Revolving Door

I was told employees were rarely fired because Dr. Cray didn’t want to risk them receiving unemployment. Instead, she used her own technique that she referred to as “driving them out.” She insisted the office manager do this as well. Basically, make them so miserable at work that they quit. Make working there unbearable.

During a 10 week period, 5 people were hired, 5 people quit, and 1 person was fired. Sometimes Dr. Cray decided she did not like a new hire (specifics were never given as to why or when she disliked them), and sometimes she just wanted new hires gone for no apparent reason. We knew this was coming when she would “flip the switch” and relentlessly target someone for no apparent reason. Everytime this happened, the new person quit. During my time here, no new hire lasted longer than one month.

Katie, a part time assistant manger, worked another full time job and had a third job, in addition to being a single parent. She worked for Dr. Cray for 10 years, and said this is the way things had always been. For the last 6 months, she had been trying to quit in order to take better care of herself and her daughter (health problems, fatigue and family emergencies). She was met time and time again with one of Dr. Cray’s emotional weapon of choice, guilt and shame. She gave a 2 month heads up that she would be leaving, with the hope that this would provide ample time to hire a replacement. During Katie’s last two months, Dr. Cray refused to acknowledge Katie’s presence…unless it was to scold, demean and guilt trip. She repeatedly pressured Katie to work on projects from home without compensation (yeah, for free!), since Katie was “screwing the business over by quitting.” During her last few days of work, Dr. Cray repeatedly told her “I hope you know, you’re really screwing me over.”

Like all the other new hires, Katie’s replacement gave her 2 weeks notice within a month of being hired. Upon hearing the news, Dr. Cray’s looked as if she’d just accepted a challenge from a rival.

“Oh yeah?” And as if making a call to arms, she said “Let’s make her last two weeks a living hell.”

When I heard her say this, the gravity of the situation finally hit me. After seeing her blatantly wage work-place warfare, and ordering her employees to engage in it, I did something I had not done up until this point.

I looked at her and calmly said “Yeah, I’m not going to do that.”

And ever since the moment I spoke up, things have been getting much much worse.

#veterinarian #vet #vetmed #vetlife #equine #horse #equinevet #ambulatory #mobilevet #veterinarypractice #dayinthelife #doctor #profession #equineveterinarian

That moment when you’re really glad you did…

Having never performed field castrations completely on my own, I served as the anesthetist while my boss performed the routine surgeries in barn pastures and backyards. Although her castration tool-of-choice is the Henderson drill, she took to demonstrating the different surgical techniques (open vs. closed) and cycled through the different types of emasculators with each castration. After watching five or six castrations, the opportunity for me to perform my first castration presented itself in the form of a laid-back, confident client and healthy six month old Thoroughbred colt. My boss kept a watchful eye from her position at the neck of the horse, while I talked my way through each and every step of the procedure. For the entire 20 minutes that it took me to perform the castration, my heart felt like it would pound right out of the chest. My hands trembled the entire time, and it wasn’t until I was done that the client said I did a thorough job. She said she knew I did a thorough job because apparently I narrated step-by-step the entire surgery. I was so focused, I wasn’t even aware that I’d done that. My first castration went well, and was without complication. Now, it was just a matter of getting a few more castrations under my belt before I’d be performing them solo in the field.

Unfortunately, starting out as a young doctor and being new to ambulatory practice, I ran into some difficulty getting consent from owners. On multiple occasions we hit this roadblock, when clients were not on board for allowing a “fledging doc” cut their colt…regardless of the well-seasoned and experienced veterinarian watching my every move over my shoulder. Each time the plan changed, the itch for experience got stronger and stronger. After 3 months, and having watched over 15 castreations, I was chomping at the bit.
When we showed up on the small mom-and-pop farm, the plan was for me to make another notch in my castration belt. The horse was a 5 year old Arabian stallion, recently purchased and barely halter-broke. He was so high strung and wire, that just the act of sedating him alone, was quite the feat for my boss and I. This ordeal was enough to change the minds of the clients, who recanted their original offer for me to perform the castration. I settled into my role as assistant and anesthetist, and tried to push the itch out of my mind.

Several rounds of sedation later, the colt was sedated enough to anesthetized with my boss’s ketamine protocol. He dropped quickly to his side, and we got to work positioning and scrubbing the incision site. Within a few minutes, he was starting to wake up from the anesthetic. My boss is one fast lady, and it takes her less than 5 minutes to castrate a horse. She placed the Henderson drill and spun each testicle off, she checked from hemorrhage and then gave him a rinse. About the time he was getting his antibiotic injection, the gelding was strong enough to push me off his neck and stand to his wobbly feet. My boss took his halter, and I helped balance his staggering hind end as we made our way toward the barn.
As he took several steps, a normal amount of blood slowly dripped onto the gravel..leaving a breadcrumb trail of red droplets. By the time we’d gone 150 feet, the slow drip became a fast drip…which then became a weak trickle of blood. In the stall, I called my boss’s attention to the steady stream of bright red blood coming from the incision site. I rounded up some gauze and fed it along as she packed it into the incision and simultaneously dodged his attempts to kick her. As she packed more gauze, the amount of bleeding increased. The gauze was drenched, and after packing three rolls in there, the bleeding was not improved. He was more awake at this point, and took to slamming us against the stall wall.
After several minutes, it was apparent the packing wasn’t going to be enough to stop the bleeding. A large blood of blood had accumulated, and the rate of hemorrhage was even greater. We made the decision to anesthetize him again in order to explore the incision and locate the source of the hemorrhage. The boss drew up the drugs, and we didn’t waste any time laying him down again. The amount of blood and the fact that he was only lightly anesthetized made identifying the bleeding structure difficult. Without good visualization, we worked somewhat blindly. The boss clamped some hemostats down on the part of the cord she could find and left them while she packed around the instruments with gauze. No sooner had she gotten the gauze mostly into the incision, did the gelding try to jump up onto his feet. I struggled to hold him down while the boss unclaimed the hemostats and packed the rest of the gauze. He nearly launched me over his shoulder as he made several attempts to stand. When he finally stood, the bleeding appeared to have ceased. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, and the owners, my boss and I guided the horse to his stall for a second time.

I was in the middle of cleaning instruments when I heard a commotion from the barn. The owners went running past me towards the barn, and I could hear someone yelling help. “We’ll just euthanize him” the owners was saying as we all ran towards the barn. I had obviously missed something, and didn’t know who or what was being euthanized. “He’s going down!” The owners sounded panicked, and I arrived at the stall to see the gelding buckling his knees. “Just euthanize him on the lawn.” The husband said decidedly. My boss was helping to hold the horse against the wall of the stall. She looked mostly confused but there was a hint of some other emotion I couldn’t recognize. From between the gelding’s legs, blood was gushing down and into the shavings between his feet.

“What option do we have? We can’t put any more money into this.” The clients kept saying. My boss was now looking concerned, a look I haven’t seen too often. She usually exudes confidence, but definitely didn’t exude that when she was studying the profuse amount of blood coming from the incision site. The hemorrhage was significant enough that now I felt the real weight of the situations urgency.

“Your options? The referral hospital for surgery. Or we can euthanize him. Or we lay him down again?” The owners quickly shot down the hospital option due to finances and said to just euthanize him…and quickly before he collapsed in the stall and further complicated the situation. “Euthanize him?” There was no hiding the surprise in my voice. “We’ll just lay him down again.” I said. “I’ll draw up the drugs.”

“A third time?” The wife asked me.

“I’d lay him down 5 more times before going the euthanasia route. After I give him the drugs, he’s going to be out for awhile. He’ll be in a very deep sleep so we’ll have time to really get in there and find the bleed.” A Drew up my anesthetic protocol, a combination of ketamine and diazepam that put the gelding on the ground again, this time in a very deep slumber. After performing over 200 anesthesia at the internship, I developed a dependable anesthetic protocol and I have complete confidence in both my drugs and their dosages. My go to IV pre-mads are butorphanol and xylazine, and my induction drugs are a combination of diazepam and ketamine. A small bump of ketamine extended the anesthesia time, and kept the gelding out for the entire time that was necessary. My boss explored the incision site, welding handfuls of clotted blood and searching for the source of the hemorrhage. At one point, the gelding was so still my boss asked if he was still alive. As if right on cue, the gelding took a slow deep breath. I rinsed the area as my boss explored the cavity, feeling around blindly. When her gloved hand emerged, it was holding the end of a large bleeding vessel and shredded wisps of soft tissue. The testicular cord had been torn, which had resulted in the hemorrhage. My boss placed three transfixating ligatures, and afterwards we both studied it for bleeding. When no bleeding occured, she let the cord recede back into the incision.

“In 20 years, I’ve never had this happen.” My boss admitted. You bet we high-fived right then and there, bloody gloves and all. I was mostly just relieved. Hemorrhage is a real potential complication of castration, and it was the first real “bleeder” I had seen. While he slept off the drugs, we placed an IV catheter and started him on fluids. As the gelding recovered from his third round of anesthesia, we walked him back to his stall.

“Well, that’s one way to get to know the new vet.” One of the clients said as we packed up. “We were ready to euthanize him right here.”

“Well, not with Dr. Morgan here you weren’t.” My boss said as she gave me an appreciative look. Both clients gave us hugs, followed by a series of thank yous.

“Can tell you’ve done the whole anesthesia thing once or twice.”
I had to laugh when the client said this. All the hours spent running anesthesia during my internship, wishing I was doing anything but anesthesia. Counting down the days til I could turn in my anesthesia badge and never set foot in the anesthesia room again. And here I am, 5 months later, having one of those moments when despite all the weaknesses, hardships and trials that surrounded the internship experience, I’m really glad I did it.

#veterianrian #vet #vetmed #vetlife #equine #horse #equinevet #ambulatory #mobilevet #veterinarypractice #dayinthelife #doctor #profession #equineveterinarian

They all go differently.

Euthanasia, and the process of euthanizing, is not a new concept or experience for me. My first euthanasia experiences were assisting with the euthanasia of research animals while working for the USDA and veterinary micropath department of the vet school. Horses, sheep, goats and cattle were the species involved in various research studies. There was a set protocol in place that made the process fast and efficient, which while it sounds cold, was also very humane. Some animals appeared healthy on the outside, and these were the more difficult ones to euthanize at the conclusion of a research study. Other animals were deeply affected by disease, and it was a deep relief to see them at rest and at peace.

While respectful and maintaining dignity of each research animal, the emotional element that is embedded in the relationship between owner and pet was missing. It wasn’t until I was working at a small animal hospital before veterinary school that I was exposed to the emotional elements that follow with the decision of an owner to say goodbye to a beloved pet. These cases, I will admit, tear me up. I have always linked with people’s emotions, and have an unwavering empathy for people. When an owner is sobbing or tearfully talking to their pet for the last time, I cannot help but shed tears. I’ve faced some unkind remarks from colleagues for this visceral reaction I have, but the truth is…I’m okay with it. It’s my most candid display of truely caring, both for the animal and the person attached. There is no shame in it.

Throughout veterinary school, I never had a patient that was euthanized. But I experienced my own loss in veterinary school when my 18 year old lifelong companion, my childhood cat, was euthanized after secuming to alimentary lymphoma. It was the single most significant and profound loss I’ve had in my life so far. It was traumatic, painful and was compounded by the fact that I probably waited a little to long to come to the decision. I didn’t realize this until after he was gone, and it remains a haunting realization.

Then, my internship brought forth many euthanasia experiences. I performed my first solo euthanasias in my final six months. For the most part, the process went quickly and well. The nature of euthanizing a horse appears sudden and abrupt. One minute the are standing, then they collapse. Sometimes, it is violent. There are many factors that contribute to how a horse goes down, and how quickly they are gone. Of the euthanasias that appear more difficult, or prolonged, I have noticed that these horses tended to have underlying cardiac or neurological diseases. There is individual variation, even without underlying disease (that we are aware of). On a rare occasion, there has been human error…but this is a deceiving statement. When it comes to injecting the solution, the most important part is that the entire solution enters the vein. In horses, this is the jugular vein. The Drug acts to stop the heart. The appropriate amount must enter the bloodstream, for a partial dose can render a situation fraught with danger, stress and possibly chaos. There are plenty of stories of euthanasia gone ary. It’s a haunting experience for everyone involved…and certainly the very last thing a veterinarian would ever want an owner to witness.


My first bad euthanasia experience happened on the second to last day of my internship. It was a middle-aged gelding that presented for severe colic, and Surgery was not an option. Despite medical management attempts, he became progressively uncomfortable and the decision was made to euthanize. It was the resident and I on the case, and owners were a younger couple struggling to keep their composure as they made the difficult decision. They had also decided to not bare witness, and were about to leave after final goodbyes. As they were stepping out, they changed their minds. They wanted to be present. We had to load the horse up on Pain killers and sedatives to buy me a couple minutes to grab the euthanasia supplies. Because of the horrible weather, we chose to euthanize in the work-up stall. At this point, he was being restrained in a shoot (a mobile door that swings, and keeps horses against the wall.
I injected the euthanasia solution into the catheter I had placed an hour before. All was still, while I held the door and the resident held his head. It was 30 seconds later that he started buckling and then launched forward. He took a nose dive, and his hind end almost came over his head. He started kicking within the chute, and the resident was doing everything in her power to hold him back for fear if he broke lose, he could crash into anyone or anything. Then, he had what appeared to be a seizure…rhythmic banging within the chute. The only other thing I could hear aside from his grunting and kicking was the owners gasping and running out of the room. Then, he sighed and passed away.

We don’t know this happened this way, with an adequate dose and a patent catheter into the jugular vein. There are many theories, I’m sure. But unfortunately, we’ll never know and worse yet, is that these were the last moments the owners will remember forever. I cried as soon as I got in the truck, cried all the way home, and then cried as I told my roommates what happened. It was one of those moments that brings up a barrage of negative feelings and the sense of ultimate failure. Guilt, shame, disappointment, fear, regret, remorse, confusion and shock…all in the face of failure. And I definitely started asking myself if I should even be a vet if I cannot be a good one.

#veterianrian #vet #vetmed #vetlife #equine #horse #equinevet #ambulatory #mobilevet #veterinarypractice #dayinthelife #doctor #profession